Chatting about safe sex with your partner can feel awkward, but it means you can prevent sexually transmitted infections (STIs). It shows you have respect for each other, too. It can also make sex more relaxed and fun.

Here’s how to handle conversations about safer sex and STIs.

If you’re thinking of having sex with someone, it should be simple to talk about staying safe, right? Not always. Whether you’re newly dating or you’ve just hooked up, it can be daunting. You might worry that chatting about condoms and your STI status will ruin the mood.   

It does not have to be a passion killer though. In fact, if you do it in the right way, it will make you both feel more relaxed and may even set a better mood. 

The toughest part of a safer sex chat is starting it in the first place. Your partner will most likely be grateful if you take the lead. It shows you have self-respect. 

Timing your safer sex conversation 

Whether you’re about to have sex with someone you’ve been dating, or you’re heading into a one-night stand, do not leave the chat until the last minute. 

The worry will be worse than the conversation itself. The sooner you start the chat, the better. If you get it out of the way you can relax and enjoy what’s to come. 

Practise what you’re going to say

If you rehearse, it will make it easier. You’ll feel more at ease, and that will show.

If you can practise with someone you trust, great. If not, talk to the mirror or just out loud to yourself.

Conversation starters 

There are many approaches to talking about safer sex. It all depends on the person and the mood, but here are some ideas to help you get started.

Try to keep things light. As soon as you start, the conversation should flow.

  • “Are you OK with using condoms?”
  • “Is it OK if we talk about a few things before we end up in bed?!”
  • “I’ve been good with getting tested so I know I’m clear, how about you?” 
  • “You know if things go much further, we’ll have to get some condoms.”
  • “I have these on me – just in case!”
  • “I know someone who refuses to use condoms. Can you imagine?”
  • “I know someone who has not had an STI test in years. It’s so bad!”

If you want to talk to someone you’re dating about getting tested for STIs, show that you care about them. You could ask: 

  • “How would you feel about us getting STI tests?” 
  • “I want to make sure we both feel safe when we have sex, so it would be good to get tested for STIs first.” 

If you both get tested at the same time you can plan something nice for afterwards to lighten the mood.

You might be embarrassed if your STI results come back positive. STIs are common, though, and often do not have symptoms.

Telling your partner that you have an STI shows you care about them. Explaining your treatment plan also shows that you’re taking charge of your health. This will give them peace of mind.

Think about what you want to say before you chat to them. If you’re prepared with some facts you can answer your partner’s questions. They might want to know about their risk of infection, for example. Our knowledgeable and friendly staff can give you all the information you need.

Talk honestly and clearly, but do not bombard your partner with information. Let them lead. Give them time to process what you’ve told them. 

Ways you could start the conversation

  • “I want us to always be open and honest with each other. My STI test came back positive. I want to protect us both, so I’ve started treatment and we’ll need to avoid sex until I’m clear again.”
  • “I’m glad I got that STI test, because I found out I have chlamydia, even though I’ve never had symptoms. I’m on antibiotics now, which should clear it up in a few weeks.”
  • “My test came back positive, and I’m getting treated. Shall we chat about how we can have safe sex once I’m clear?”

For most STIs, you should also tell any recent exes that you’ve tested positive. If you’re not on good terms, this can be tricky. 

This is where we can help. We offer a scheme called partner notification, where we text your sexual partners about their risk of infection. It is done anonymously, meaning we will not give your name, or any details that will give away who you are.

It means your exes can get tested and have the right treatment to help them get better. This will also stop the infection spreading.

You can also use the scheme to tell your current partner about an STI diagnosis. However, we would always advise you to do this yourself.

You’ll be given details of the scheme when you get your test results. If you’ve been diagnosed elsewhere, you can still use the scheme.